Fiftily
Fiftily
In the long line of wise men from Benjamin
Franklin to Mark Twain to Dale Carnegie, I’m jumping in; cutting in line to
share some of the things I’ve learned in my fifty years as a semi-woke, semi-devout
radical centrist. I know, I know, this is so subjective, but it’s things I’ve
learned. This isn’t so much advice as it is observations that could be taken as
advice if one so chose. For my friends who are of my generation and rank, this will
likely be quirkily affirming. For my younger friends, I hope one of these
bullets may protect you from the mistakes and pain I had to endure before I
learned it. For my older friends, well, I’m still just a precocious youngster continuing
to butt in before I should.
I acknowledge that much of this is cliché,
if not borrowed or regurgitated. To that extent, it is at least culled and
curated, through my eyes and experiences: it is my list.
You’ll also notice that, in contrast
to my “Fortily” collection, this is not verse or even essay. It seems
appropriate that, because I’m an olding man in an ever-newing world, though loosely
themed and organized, the bulleted list is just jaunty enough and less wieldingly
wrought than the poetry that precedes it.
- · Make
Lists
In the
Kitchen
- ·
1
minute 35 seconds is just about as long as anything needs to be in the
microwave. Not too hot, not too cold: Water for tea, leftover chicken, popcorn.
If it requires longer or shorter, it probably shouldn’t go in the microwave, or
you probably shouldn’t eat it.
- ·
If
you don’t like the white jelly beans, don’t eat them. Don’t just “not eat them,”
throw them away. No need keeping them in the package only to pull them out
again. It’s not wasteful. Wasteful is consuming gross empty calories without
pleasure.
- ·
Ketchup
is the best dipping sauce. When in a pinch, it goes with just about
everything: chips of all kinds, fish sticks, chicken. Dress it up or down with Tabasco
or Ranch which, on their own, are not as multi-functional.
- ·
Infuse
your liquors. It’s a fun activity and will save you some money. Use a mid-level
liquor (Sapphire instead of Hendricks, Beam instead of Blantons, Cuervo instead
of Codigo) and pour them into decanters with appropriate flavors eg: jalapenos,
cinnamon sticks, basil, mint, fruit to use as floaters or bases for fun drinks.
- ·
Use
fresh herbs. Nothing is cheaper, tastes better, or provides easier
self-satisfaction than putting homegrown mint, basil, parsley, ginger,
cilantro, thyme, dill, and oregano in, or on top of something otherwise
ordinary that you cook.
- ·
No
shoes in the house. All that crap you step on stays outside stays outside.
- ·
Battery-powered
lawn tools are a game-changer. No more tethering extension cords and you’re “doing
your part.” Except for the blower, it needs to be gas, otherwise it’s like you’re
out there clearing the sidewalk with a hair dryer.
- o
Do
your own lawn mowing and yard maintenance. It’s good for your health, you get a
little sun, and you have the pride of accomplishment that all your neighbors
can see
- ·
Poinsettias
grow year round and make a pretty blast of green during the summer months too.
We go around after New Year’s each year and rescue throw-aways from the
neighbors trash heaps and are good to go come Christmastime.
- ·
Save
those cheap plastic planter pots that the flowers you buy come in. They’re
great for new seedlings and, if you were to go back to the store to buy them
off the shelf would cost a couple bucks.
- ·
Citronella
works. Stick a couple on the front porch to keep the mosquitoes out of the
house.
- ·
Understand
that there’s no such thing as a squirrel-free bird feeder. Just accept that, if
you’re going to put out a bird feeder, squirrels will also get in there. Rather
than obsessing about how to keep the squirrels out, just think of it as a “critter-feeder”
and enjoy.
- ·
Slam
a bottle of water every night before you go to bed. After your last bev, after
your last trip to the pantry and after you brush your teeth. Make it part of
your routine. You’ll sleep better and wake up feeling a little better than you
would otherwise.
- ·
Zinc,
D3, a multi-vitamin, biotin, C, an Omega every day
- ·
Get
and use a Sonicare toothbrush. Just 30 seconds after each meal. Full two
minutes before bed. Floss regularly, not just when you feel like you have
something stuck.
- ·
It’s
ok to lose an argument. In fact, it’s sometimes ok to throw an argument, to take
a dive. If you like the person you’re arguing with and want to socialize via
argument in the future, you have to make it worth their while too.
- ·
Judge
people by their actions, not their words. Unless it’s the N-word, saying that
is a judgeable action
- ·
Don’t
ever loan money to a friend. Give it to them with no strings.
- ·
Generally,
don’t do business with friends. Definitely not real estate: you’ll both always
end up feeling cheated, underserved, and resentful.
- ·
Find
something that you’re the best at, even if it’s something obscure or arcane:
beautiful handwriting, quoting movie lines, whistling the Andy Griffith theme
song
- ·
Smile
at strangers
- ·
Thank
Veterans for their service
- ·
Find
a sports team to cheer for
- ·
Don’t
lose a friendship over politics. Don’t make friends based on politics.
- · Whether you have one best friend or ten, don’t keep secrets from them. If the secret breaks the friendship, they were never really “best.”
- ·
Security>Justice>Liberty
- ·
Clueless>Legally
Blonde>Mean Girls
- ·
Tampa>Orlando>Daytona
- ·
Apple>Google>Meta
- ·
Securities>Real
Estate>Bonds
- ·
Verizon>AT&T>Virgin
- ·
Courier>Times
New Roman>Arial
- ·
Buffalo
Trace>Blantons>Bookers
- ·
Nolets>Hendricks>Aviation
- ·
Whitman>Ginsberg>Emerson
- ·
Borges>Faulkner>Hemingway
- ·
Derrida>Baudrillard>Foucault
- ·
FSU>UCF>>>>>>>>>>>>UF
- ·
Dolphins>Bucs>Patriots
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