First to Last

 

First to Last

 

 

I’ve let you be first:

            First to say I love you,

            First to forgive me when I’m an asshole,

            First to let me know when I’m ridiculous,

                                    -often-

                        And first to overlook my ridiculousness.

First to let me know how to be better

                        In your sweet, nudging way.

            First to get the last word

                        In our spats,

                                    The last word you’ve always earned

                                    That you still leave unsaid.

 

I’ve needed you to be first:        

            First to console my hurting heart,

            First to ease my insecurities,

            First to give without requests

                                    -often-

                        The things I didn’t know I even wanted.

First to let me know when I’m better

                        In your sweet, nudging way.

            First to give the best hug,

                        And cheek peck,

                                    When tucking me into bed

                                    Earlier, it seems, each year.

 

 

As we close in and cross another milestone,

            Marked by fewer and fewer firsts,

            But also by more seconds, thirteenths,          

                        And thousandths,

As we approach and surpass our mid-lives,

Together, in our new set of firsts,

Fewer but all the more poignant,         

            And first new lasts.

 

First time to do that this way,

First time doing this like that,

            And the last like this

            And the last like that.

 

 

 

I wish that I could steal some of these

 Firsts from you,

But alas, they are yours:

            Well-earned with fortitude

            And a strength that awes me,

                        Overwhelms me from the first to last.

 

I need you to let me be first:

            First to say I love you for the millionth time

                        Today,

            First to tell you how you make me better

                        Today,

            First to bridge your slumber and your dreams

                        Today.

            First to console your hurting heart

                        When you need me,

            First  to ease your insecurities,

                        To fulfill without request,

                        Some days, when you need me.

            First to slip the surly bonds of this realm

                        Someday, because I couldn’t last.

                                    I couldn’t live without you.

 

You are my first and last,

My alpha and omega,

My today and my tomorrow

            There in my first breath of love

            And in my last breath of love

                        -Of life-

Someday.

 

When we go I want to be first.

I can’t imagine being here without you.

I don’t want to be here without you.

I can’t imagine wanting

            To be here without you.

 

I need you to let me be first:

I need to be first in this,

            In this one last thing,

                        Whenever that first last day may be,

            You need to be the first to last:

            The first to carry us on your shoulders

                        I would be shoulderless.

 

                                    I cannot imagine a realm without you in it.

 

That day

            When I am first to leave,

                        Your lips on my cheek,  tucking me in,

                        Forever. You must persist:

Like that day when we first kissed, husbanded,

                                    You must be last.

            Please, God,

Please, Pally,  

let me be first.

I’ll wait for you.